“Why don’t you just lose weight?”
What most people don’t understand is that for me I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN FAT and we’re not talking a couple of pounds here!
All throughout school I was packed off with a lunchbox with minimal carbs, go ahead bars and fruit. I would look at my friends half my size as they tucked into two sandwiches, crisps, chocolate bars and just think how unfair it was!
I was always the fat girl. I shopped in adult clothing stores and plus size before i’d barely entered secondary school.
Now I am not blaming my parents, although I wasn’t born fat 😛 as I grew up I was already so fat I just wanted to enjoy myself. When my mum finally decided enough was enough we as a family started the Atkins diet. I lost a stone and a half in my first week and went on to lose nearly 6 stone in total. But by god was it hard!
Everyday I would wake up at 6am be at the gym by half 6 with my sister. Use the gym for an hour then shower, then walk to my school bus. I would eat breakfast on the bus that mum had prepared earlier (2 cold rashers of bacon) for lunch a salad or meat of some sort leaving out the carbs (GOODBYE SANDWICHES!) and chicken and salad or veg for dinner. My sister and I went to the gym 5 days a week minimum and mum ensured we ate less than 20g of carbs a day.
It was hard.
I was always hungry, I remember just sitting in class and feeling so unhappy because my stomach constantly hurt with hunger pains. I always had terrible breath – due to the diet not just a standard thing with me (I hope!)
Also people underestimate how much will power and determination it takes, I lost so much this time as I did it with my sister and mum, the support and to know we were in it together was fantastic. But alas they were smaller than me so reached their goal weights while I still had 8 or so stone to lose and it gradually slipped back to my old ways, the weight crept back on and more.
What I would just like people to recognise is that it’s hard work. All the negative comments, looks, stares, giggles etc really hurt.
They don’t inspire me to lose weight, they etch a scar on my already damaged heart and lead me to Ben & Jerrys. What I am trying to do now is lose weight, but it isn’t going to happen over night!
To all the skinny people who are genuinely trying to help, telling me “if I can do it, you can do it” doesn’t help! Also note you lost 2 stone and while this shouldn’t be ignored bare in mind i’m looking to lose in excess of 10 stone and half my body weight!
This isn’t just about eating better, it is about changing the way I look at food, the way food comforts me and the ongoing struggle with food for the rest of my life! I may never be able to eat an ice cream again without the insane guilt that i’m cheating or doing something I shouldn’t be!