10 things to remember when you love someone with depression.

This post and the following tips are based on my personal experiences and others who have spoken to me about their depression. If you have any additional tips you feel are beneficial to your depression please add them in the comments. If you feel like you are suffering from depression please speak to someone, it is a lot less scary when you aren’t on your own. 

10 things to remember when you love someone with depression.

 1. Depression is not a choice.

No one chooses to be depressed. There are times where depression can leave someone unable to function, paralyzed by their own mind and body. This is not a choice. It is feeling lost, sad, empty, angry, frustrated, feeling everything at once or sometimes feeling nothing at all.

It is one of the most helpless, frustrating and often isolating experiences a person can go through.It is not something that can be snapped out of, believe me I’ve tried. It isn’t a bad mood, a bad day or a bad week. You are suffocating under darkness.

2. It is not about you.

If you love someone who is dealing with depression it is easy to blame yourself. To pick fault at your relationship and assume their depression is a reflection of you.

People with depression cannot always understand themselves so they recognise it will be difficult for you also. If they begin to push you away or ask for space let them have it. But don’t spend your time scrutinising everything you’ve been doing and picking fault at yourself, try to understand their depression is not about you.

3. Sometimes they don’t want to do this alone.

Even though I just said let them have their space that does not mean to say someone wishes to be left to be consumed by their depression, communicate. Company is greatly received just understand that may not mean a night out on the town and it may mean a cup of tea in bed watching a film.

Feel confident in making suggestions, suggesting to go for a drive or a walk, get some fresh air or grab a coffee. Allowing them to step out of the bubble they have created by simply offering your time, shows you care. Reaching out to them may just mean everything to them and it also reminds them that they don’t have to face this alone.

4. You’re allowed to get frustrated.

People with depression aren’t immune to your feelings and they can tell when you’re pissed off and frustrated. This is ok, they understand they can be difficult to be around. They don’t expect you to know what to say when they’re struggling, just like sometimes they can’t explain how they’re feeling or why they may be crying.

Just because they are dealing with depression does not mean you have to walk around on eggshells all the time. If it is having a negative impact on you then it needs action. Look at how you can help them and show your love and support without sacrificing your happiness and feelings.

5. Talk to them about your frustration.

Depressed people can tell when it is affecting other people and that just starts a vicious circle of guilt over causing you pain and suffering so don’t be afraid to talk to them.

In those moments of frustration people with depression can feel even more isolated, they can see the frustration in your eyes and they blame themselves for causing you pain. So it is important to talk and communicate. Be patient, keep calm and vocalise your concerns. It is natural you want to help them any way you can but you need to take care of yourself too.

6. It is okay to ask about their depression.

It is ok to ask direct questions. How are they feeling? Are they practicing self-care?  How are they practising self-care? Are they eating properly? BUT… don’t demand these answers and cause tension if they simply aren’t ready to talk.

It is a common occurrence for people suffering with their depression to feel suicidal. So have a back-up plan, let them know if they feel that bad they can reach out to you. Have a plan in place just in case it’s needed.  Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed about, you talking about it, reassures them that they aren’t a lost cause or ‘crazy’.

7. Yes they may shut you out before they bring you in.

People suffering with depression constantly feel like they are making other people unhappy. They think they are causing pain to people close to them, by being difficult and a nuisance. Feeling like a burden they react defensively by shutting people out. Often it is the people they need the most

They can habitually feel like their loved ones deserve better. That by allowing these people into their world of sadness they are weighing their loved ones down. If this begins to happen, reassure them. Tell them how much you love and support them and let them know you are there for them when they are ready. But don’t force them, the tough love approach can sometimes push them further away from you.

8. They can become easily overwhelmed and yes this may involve tears!

For someone suffering with depression just getting through the day can be exhausting not to mention overwhelming. Little tasks such as getting out of bed, showering and even eating can seem daunting so be patient and understanding.

Because all these tasks consume so much energy and effort they may feel more tired than usual, even if they appear to be getting lots of sleep. So don’t get discouraged or feel like you’ve upset them if they cancel plans late notice or decline an invitation to meet.

Little things can often take over. Speaking from personal experience, I once cried for ten minutes because my tea bag split whilst making a cup of tea, luckily my boyfriend realised my insistent wailing “I can’t even make a cup of tea right” was because I was overwhelmed, after spending all day in bed, the last two hours had been spent with me gradually feeling able to get out of bed and have a shower, so when the first task of the day (at 6pm) making a cup of tea went wrong, I regressed momentarily, again patience is key. A day or so later I even laughed when I recounted how much I cried over a cup of tea!

You may be used to planning weeks or even months ahead but they may be struggling to plan day to day or even hour to hour. So consider this when discussing future plans, they could feel a little intimidated planning too in advance.

All these things are a common side effect of living with a mental illness.

9. Tough love.

I hate to break it to you but tough love does nothing.

Telling someone that you’re going to break up with them, that they won’t have anyone left or that you’re not going to talk to them anymore won’t miraculously cure them, it won’t be the catalyst you’ve been waiting for to speed up their progress.

It is understandable that this can put pressure on relationships but delivering ultimatums is unrealistic and on some level manipulative.

If the pressure of dealing with some of their issues does become too much that is a personal choice you must make but not one to be presented as blackmail. Remember depression is not a choice.

10. Choose your words wisely.

Often people will try to offer their own words of wisdom, whilst this may come from a good place, it is not always helpful to someone suffering with depression.

Statements such as, “you’ll be fine”, “you’re just having a bad day”, “you’ll get over it” etc. is more often than not discouraging, it can make them feel inadequate, that they are not being taken seriously.

“Maybe get some fresh air, it’s what I do when I’m feeling sad” again whilst coming from a good place phrases like this can come across as both patronising and a little insulting.

They can all also make someone feel like you are not acknowledging the struggle they are going through, reassure them of your support. Instead offering phrases such as; “I’m here for you”, “can I help?” and a hug often goes a long way to reassure someone that they are not alone.

And lastly feel free to express empathy but don’t suppress their feelings. The greatest resource you can offer your friend in their darkest moments and throughout their journey is your ability to listen.

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6 thoughts on “10 things to remember when you love someone with depression.

  1. This is such a great blog post. So well-written and relatable. As someone with BPD, depression also plays a big part in my condition. It really is so draining and consuming. I think trying to remind myself that it’a a real illness and I’m not just a failure or an awful person, is half the battle. Blogs like this remind me that I’m not alone and I’m not a terrible person. Thank you for giving me that extra boost I need after a month of cancelling plans and crying with guilt and shame.

    Wishing you all the best.

    Big hugs, Ally xxx

  2. Soooo glad you mentioned not using tough love. I suffer from depression and my husband thinks it’s the only way to get through to me. Needless to say my marriage suffers. There was a lot of terrific info in this. I should print it out and leave it on his side of the bed.

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