A letter to my mother in heaven.

Almost a year without you and yet it feels like yesterday we lost you. As I sit here typing this with your snoozing grandson next to me, I am overcome with sadness. You knew he was coming and yet you never got to meet him. He will never hear you laugh, see you smile, feel the warmth of your hugs or experience your unconditional love. So much has happened since you’ve been gone and I don’t know how we’ve got through each day, but we have. Some days we are consumed with grief and sadness and other days we talk about you and laugh at the memories we share. Our lives will never be the same and we will always want more time. Perhaps had I know our time was limited I would have appreciated you more, I hope I told you I loved you enough, I hope you knew that no matter how much we fought you were my best friend. How I wish you were still here, to tell me off as I continue to make mistakes. It seems no matter how old you are you always need your mum and we were robbed of all those years we should still have together. All the memories we should still be making, all the arguments we undoubtedly would of had. No measure of time would have been enough but I wanted forever.

I hope you are proud of us, proud of what we are achieving and who we are blossoming into. We struggle each and every day without you, still utterly devastated but as it approaches one whole year without you, we are trying to do something positive in your memory. By raising money for the very people who helped you in those final moments, Cornwall Hospice Care.

I like to think you were watching over us at your funeral, making sure you got a good turn out, you did! Not a spare seat in the room, people were stood in the aisles and at the back all wanting to pay their respects. I couldn’t bring myself to speak, I could barely hold myself together, but I knew I had to write something, I had to try and explain how I felt. Luckily Father Chris spoke for me. It seemed fitting to share what I wrote again. So here it is for all to see, laid bare, my broken heart.

I love you mummy forever and always.

My beautiful mummy, I cannot imagine the pain and frustration you felt trapped in a body that no longer worked like it should. I would look into your eyes and see the same person I have loved all these years, and wish with everything I have that I could have taken your struggles away, found a cure and kept you forever by my side. You never lost your sparkle, even when the words wouldn’t come out I still knew how much you loved me and always would. What I wouldn’t give to have a hug from you now, for you to tell me that everything is going to be ok.

You often said I was sent to test you, the same way you were sent to test granny, I was never the perfect daughter, I stayed out too late, kissed too many boys and would give you more things to worry about than my siblings combined but you never gave up on me, you always saw the best and encouraged me to make the right choices. You and I were two peas in a pod, similar in so many ways, the way we feel everything so deeply, wear our hearts on our sleeve and love so passionately.

These are the values I will teach to my own children, I will tell them everything about you, although some things I may keep out until they reach 18. I hope that I have a daughter, perhaps she will test me just like I did you, and every time she answers back, or does something she shouldn’t I will think of you, my beautiful mum.

Everyone that ever met you fell in love instantly, how could they not, so many people have sent me stories of how you helped them and life just seems so incredibly cruel. How could you, a woman that gave so much to so many people be taken away so soon, you didn’t deserve this, you deserved your happy ending, sitting on the porch growing old with your man, having adventures and seeing more of the world you loved.

I will carry you with me every day for the rest of my life. You will be there when my baby that you were so excited about is born, you will be there when I get married, you will be there when I reach my target at slimming world, when I have a horrible day and when I have a great one.

Albus Dumbledore said, “to have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever.” I will continue to make you proud knowing that you will always be my guardian angel, keeping me safe from afar. I have always and will always love you most.

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