29-years-old, a letter to my younger self on my birthday.

Today is my 29th birthday. One final year of being twenty-something. Feeling reflective I’ve been pondering on the idea of what I would tell my younger self, knowing what I know now.

Dear Sarah,

There will be moments in your life of sheer horror and desperation. These moments will break you for a little while. They will cause you to push away those that you love and lead you down a road of rebellion. No one deserves some of the things that you will go through but they happen and you will not let them define you. You will be strong, courageous and ultimately you will learn to move on, live in the present and warmly welcome everyone you pushed away, back into your life.

Be kind to your mother. You will spend many years constantly at war with the best friend you’ve ever had. She created you, she gave you life. Treat her with the respect she deserves because when she’s gone you will torture yourself with the years of missed opportunity, the years filled with animosity because you were both too scared to embrace one another wholly. You will regret all those moments you caused her pain. All those moments you let teenage angst drive a wedge in between your relationship. You can’t change what happened. Just know that in spite of it all your mother loved you and she knew how much you loved her. Don’t live with regret but endeavour to make her proud with everything you do.

One day you will meet a man who won’t treat you like the others did. He will love you wholeheartedly. In short you will both save one another. You will bring happiness to each other’s lives when for a while you both only saw sadness. You will argue, you will say things you don’t mean, you will both come close to kicking each other to the curb, but you will fight for one another like you’ve never fought before because neither of you could imagine a future without the other one by your side.

Together you will have a son. Your son will change you as a person. He will teach you things you never knew about yourself. You will finally understand the depths of love your mother had for you, because you feel it for your son. Every breath you take is for him. You will fight to be a better person every day for him. You will look at his perfect little face and feel such pride it could bring you to tears in an instant. Motherhood will have you teetering on the edge of exhaustion and hysterical tears more often than you ever imagined but despite never being so tired in your life, never being so scared of doing something wrong, you will have a heart so full of love you feel it could break right out of your chest. You will see this little person and know that with every ounce of your being you will protect him, you will love him and you will guide him. You will make mistakes but you will also have huge moments of victory, embrace them.

Your life will take twists and turns, it will take you down bumpy roads, up steep hills and have you tumbling back down again. You will hit road blocks, traffic jams and every red light going. Every one of these moments will sculpt you as a person. Take risks, be spontaneous, live in the moment. Love fiercely. Forgive quickly. Ask for help when you need it and give help to others.

29-years-old and living a completely different life than my 9-year-old or 19-year-old self could ever imagine.

Never stop dreaming. A younger self would hope that by 29 you would have your shit together, you don’t, but that is ok. You have a lifetime to make mistakes, change your plans and strive for better.

We’ve got this little one.


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